A Bittersweet Decision

After a few weeks of deliberation, sleepless nights, struggle and tears, DH and I came to the decision that D will be attending school next fall. This past year of homeschooling was a learning experience, in more ways than one. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity to watch D learn how to read, improve his handwriting, memorize his math facts. It was a chance to give him the freedom to grow and play and explore. And it gave me great satisfaction to research, plan, and carry out lesson plans and activities on a weekly basis. It all sounded great on paper. Our days were carefully planned so that everything and everyone got attention~ school work, house chores, outdoor time, play time. I signed D up for various classes and sports throughout the year trying to keep him active and involved, but it just wasn't enough.

He is a strong-willed, energetic, social creature who craves attention and activity. I'm only one person, in a somewhat isolated area without a lot of outside help, and I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am unable to do it alone. I have to swallow my pride to say that, because I fought tooth and nail to make it work, and it's not. It's broken. We're broken. And I don't want my relationship with my boys to suffer. Homeschooling was meant to bring us closer together, but it has become obvious that D doesn't want to learn from me, or take direction from me. At least not 24/7. Daddy sees them briefly in the mornings and again at bedtime, but every minute in between it's just us.

We told D that he'd be going to school in the fall, and he was sad. For about five minutes. We drove by the school and by the time we left the parking lot, he was asking me, "How long is it until school starts, 90 days?" and "I'm going to need a lunch box" and "Will I make friends on the school bus?". He was excited. And for all of you who know D, he doesn't get truly EXCITED about much, outside of buying new Legos and playing with his friends.

I'm sad. I feel like a dream of mine has been shattered. But admittedly, I am relieved. A huge weight has lifted from my shoulders. This decision feels right. It feels like it might just work. I'm looking forward to how these changes will affect our family life. For instance, maybe we'll do less arguing and more listening. We'll have more space from each other, so that we'll have more to give when we are together. I'll have more patience, and a clean house!! Imagine that.

In the meantime, we're wrapping up his Kindergarten year. He's done more and gone farther than I planned, so I feel like accomplished our goals. I will continue to have D read every day, and practice his handwriting and math. The classroom will only be one aspect of his life experience, but it will be one aspect that provides him with the structure, activity and socialization he's been craving. His home is where he can come for security, safety, and reassurance at the end of a hard day. As they say, "it's all good".